Yeah, yeah. I tried to cheat this week a bit and post something earlier in the week to see if I could get out of the habit of EVERY THURSDAY IS A NEW POST! It did not work (obviously). Plus, the last one was a bit…. esoteric, lofty, and tried to be more than it really was.
I’m this angsty writer-dude-guy-person-old fart type person. I’ve got a chip on my shoulder the size of Saturn and a general disposition that leans heavily toward sarcasm and douchiness (and was once told I was too sarcastic to be a teacher… by an Ed. Professor). I’m also the type of person to kick, scream, piss, moan, complain, and be petulant/stubborn but ultimately, I’ll break and do whatever I’m bitching about as long as it makes me a better person/writer/friend/etc. If not, I’m likely to skip out entirely and not care… but if there’s ANYTHING I can get out of, I’ll eventually come around and play the game… A la Patrick Ianni playing the game last night against Sporting KC. Video below.
In having one of our many “Bro/Nerd/Heartfelt conversations” that we have seemingly every day, Eric and I came around to the topic of what would have happened if I went to UNI rather than Iowa. Obviously, I’m happy with my choice to embrace writing and screenwriting and OBVIOUSLY I wouldn’t have come to that realization without going through the insane amount of majors, spending 3 years as Music Ed, etc etc “IT WUZ FATED” type stuff. UNI offers a music program and education program that is a bit more centered to how I wanted to study Music Education (NOT A BASH TO IOWA’S PROGRAM AT ALL… [Though I’m already mentally counting the people in Iowa’s program who will get all upset at me and take it that way anyway… oh well… can’t please ’em all])… but the big thing is that I am truly HAPPY as a writer. I love what I do. I love that the potential to get paid to do this is out there. I love entertaining and making people smile, laugh, think, cry (*cough* Mom *cough* love you!). Eric’s point was that UNI’s writing program is all about the creativity and my weaker areas are in the actual construction of the story (Eg… The Completed Work as Machine with Gears/Parts to Manipulate) and the actual craft of writing… and that I don’t need people to fawn over creativity… I need people to kick my ass about my lack of commas and help me shape my literary voice (subsequently affecting and shaping the voices of all of my characters which then impact the story and directions it could go thus resulting in a different reaction from the audience…….. yeah I could go on forever on this). I have that at Iowa.
Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t think I’m God’s Gift to writing or creativity or whatever… far far far FARRRRR from that… and also don’t get me wrong, Professor-man (from a few posts ago… this one: https://marginalchickenscratch.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/vocal-writing-or-how-my-voice-told-a-professor-to-fuck-off/) is still a gigantic douche and a pretty awful person in general (and I got very little from his course that wasn’t… oh fuck it, I’m about to prove that point wrong….. just keep reading… ugh…). The thing is, the place I am (both English Program and point in life) is this big, hulking, wall that says “YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU WILL LEARN!” and then forces a metric shit ton of busy work all up on you. Sometimes, it’s the busy work that actually teaches you things but other times, the greatest gift all the irritating things in school or frustrations in life give you is drive and ambition. Even Professor-man’s class had me up researching, reading, and exposing myself to things simply because he pissed me off and I wanted more.
It may honestly just be me (look up character traits of Aries men… you’ll find a picture of me and an arrow that says “This crazy fucker right here”) but having a chip on my shoulder about school, having a chip on my shoulder about needing to “prove myself” in a professional sphere I’m still very much on the outside of (Hello, LA? It’s this place called Iowa calling… you’ve never heard of Iowa but it’s a BIG FAN!) that keeps me going. In the early stages of actually producing creative work (whether music or art or writing or whatever else), it’s that drive to prove something that gives some of the best works an edge. Do I think my work’s the best? PSH NAWWWWW so far from it. But there’s a definitive edge to the pieces I’d select as MY best and it’s because of that drive and desire to get to a point where I can turn around and say “LOOK AT ME NOW, BITCHEZ! COME AT ME!”
And herein lies the one thing that I struggle with more than everything else. Confidence is not my problem. Swagger is not an issue. And when I WANT to, I have PLENTY of game. The issue is the fact that I don’t think I’ll ever have a moment in my life where I get that feeling of I’ve arrived. If I’m ever blessed enough or deemed good enough to actually “break in” and “make it,” it’ll A. be on the good graces of others and B. be merely a jumping off point.
Life’s full of jumping off points. Not so much on the conclusions until you get old or get shot. I’d venture to say that while my generation definitely has the whole head in the clouds thing going on, we’ve also got a bit of an edge to us that breaks us in and helps us say and do what we feel needs to be said and done. So raise a glass to the edge. Never lose it and always be cognizant of complacency or entitlement.
And for those of you who don’t understand the title… here ya go.
See ya, Space Cowboy!