The Exact Science of Naming a Fantasy Team

You know those times when you just don’t know what to write or say?  You know you feel like saying something so profound that it literally shifts the Earth on its axis but somehow, what you WANT to say is evading your conscious thoughts.  Yeah, this is one of those times.  It is also one of those times when I feel like making someone laugh but everything is just ultra rehearsed/contrived or just plain awkward sounding and not funny.  So basically, this is me at 1:30am.  Oddly enough, humans are at their best when they really have no idea what to say or do.

With nothing to really talk about, I am left to describe the rather mundane process of picking a fantasy football team name.  Normally, I just stick with Team Plasket because, let’s face it, I smacked the living shit out of the regular season with that name last year and made it to the championship game (lost by 2 points… thanks for sucking when I needed you, Adrian Petersen… Last time I root for a Viking…….. le sigh) with that name.  Mundane works when one is being lazy but I feel that in a league named: “NO FAT CHICKS,” I have to come up with SOMETHING that is hilarious for the team name.  Obviously, I have used my favorite meme as the team picture (and yes, it has been posted here before):

Still funny.

So all that is left is the team name.  Obviously “Bombass Pussy” is right at the top of the list… who wouldn’t love to be humiliated by a team with that logo and “Bombass Pussy” flashing in the win column?  My issue comes with that being too obvious.  There is already a winning team name on another team (Not mentioning it as A. it is crazy offensive and B. someone who is clever WILL steal it) and I feel I cannot go with something so obvious.

Next up is “Jack’s Bauers” (24 reference and when juxtaposed with that gif is just HILARIOUS, at least in my mind).  It references Keifer Sutherland’s hard-assed and patriotic character from the show 24.  That brings us to the problem of me NOT being a Patriots fan.  I do not plan on drafting Brady if given the chance and none of their players really appeal to me.  Door open.  Door shut.

If I was not taking this seriously and drafting players with known DUI and drug problems, “Amy’s Winehouse” would be epic (though in VERY poor taste… c’est la vie… it amuses me).

Nathan Fillion is at a loss for words after this one...

The real problem with that is that I don’t want a shitty team.  So that is obviously out.

Going back to that gif image, “Britney’s Meltdown” would be slightly amusing… but a bit too… gay.  This is football after all and I don’t need a team name that is all “bottom-ey.”

Others to cross out would be: “Debt Ceiling,”  “Long Form Birth Certificate,” “Trump’s Hair,” or “Those Who Porked the Maid.”  All are mildy hilarious but wind up a bit on the political side.

Are we beginning to get the picture of how to name a Fantasy team?  It is DIFFICULT when you actually give a shit about it.  At this point, I have narrowed it down to something related to the actual game of football that is oddly sexual in nature (and possibly offensive).  Enter a “gift from baby Jesus” (as Kathy Griffin would say).  To those who have not heard, Rex Ryan (Jets Head Coach) has a foot fetish and there are videos on the interwebs of him and his wife role playing with feet… awkward and hilarious at the same time.

And that, ladies and gents, is how we arrived at the team name.  “Michelle Ryan’s Feet” will be kicking ass and taking names this season so look out!


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